From London...

I am having another great morning here in London. It sure does rain more than anybody told you it did here. And there sure are a lot more bridges than you've seen in pictures or movies. It is a city with a different type of vibe, though I feel like it takes more getting used to than most other cities I've been. Maybe it is the gloomy overcast rain the majority of the time.
Woke up at 530 this morning, slept at around 1130 - so not that bad overall. I worked out a little bit, not the performance I was looking to have, but still feeling great! Instead made myself some coffee and spent time with my photos.
I am determined now to build up my Instagram account. Earn more followers and likes on my pics, post more of my pics that show my feelings, travels, gratitude and positivity. Majority of my shots are black and white, if not always cheerful it will be inspiring and reflecting a moment I couldn't pass up. Write about my traveling, what I love about solo travel, as a woman. Follow me on Instragram @delikiz2000.
So dancing, writing and photography. AND of course travel. :) I think I am liking this and I am liking where my life is going. I also seem to be getting back the motivation and drive to help me through my job. I am more than ok that my career or job do not define me. I am not a corporate person in my core, it takes a LOT of "acting", yet I am successful, and have been better at doing what I do than most who aspire to be a successful corporate person and dedicate their all to it. But now that is a chapter in that old book of my life, time to focus on the things I really want to be focusing on in this Book 2. This is going to be a better ride since I am wanting to do all of this from my core.
Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Posting an older piece

I am in London! Was in Italy last week - Florence and Milano! What an amazing country, people, culture, food and cities! I completely fell in love with the place. I will write more about it later, but for some reason today, I had the urge to post something I wrote a few weeks back, during a recovery period from one of the darkest downturns in my life. It hit me hard, because I know that naturally I am a positive person always cheering others up, full of life energy, seeing the bright side etc. When I was the one in the dark - with nobody around me - I went back to writing. Something in my core, that is just collecting dust on my used-to-have-skills shelf. It's not good writing yet, I have a lot of dusting off to do, but it made me feel good, and as I read it again the other day, it stayed with me. I hope it stays with you too, and I hope it helps you. It's about carrying on with the pain, accepting the hard times and finding the light in yourself.

It’s all about the pain. Not the kind you feel when you sprain your ankle, or hit your toe - the kind when you’re left behind. When you know you’re not ready to be left behind, and that you want to be right there standing there with him or her, but he finds that it is time for him to move on. It’s that feeling of being worthless, of failing in everything you’ve ever held in your hands to that date, your entire life. It’s that heart-wrenching feeling you get right in the middle of your gut, when you see that the child is going to fall and be hurt but there’s no way you can catch him. It’s that crazy feeling that just doesn’t go away. Stays right there with you. All the time. You can swear you got an ulcer, cancer probably - is there a way you get that man eating disease stuck just in your heart and stomach? You swear you have it.

You get stuck in the past. You keep reliving and rethinking what you shared. The love. You forget almost ALL the bad experiences you had. You evangelize the other. You hate yourself. Think you’ve failed again. You think and rethink it. You rethink it. Again. You say stop - where’s that song that got your mind off of him? There you go again. It was all your fault. You could have done so much more to save that relationship. You could have changed the way you thought about something, accepted something else, ignored another. You weren’t the only one who was having those types of problems in their marriage or relationship. Why were you so stubborn and pig headed? 

How awesome was that vacation you took together? Those amazing pictures you still have in a frame, now fallen behind those shelves, looking like you were on top of the world together, laughing at anything and everything below you? And now. You can’t even remember what laughing felt like.

Oh all those friends around you. Everybody is there. Your friends. His friends. Neighbors. People from your work, people from his work. All laughing and smiles. Drinking. Joking around. Planning utopian getaways together that everybody knows will never be taken. Feeling like you are loved by all, on top of the world again. And now. You’re so lonely, the last person you’ve seen was the Chinese food delivery guy who made you open the door to tip him this time before he left the bag in front of the door. 

And you realize. It’s all gone. None of it is yours anymore. Not him. Not the house. Not the neighborhood. Not the friends. None. It’s all gone. There’s that ebola that is stuck in your stomach and heart again, eating away at your flesh. You swear it is. Just to yourself. There’s nobody else. Oh no the mirror. You look like one of those celebs in rehab pics - eyes swollen and purple or green, can’t tell which, hair all messed up and icky, skin blotched, red and just absolutely disgusting. How could you have been in the one in that gorgeous pic on that vacation? Right, celeb in rehab phenomenon. Oh and you think of those celebs. This is the most important part in your recovery. The celeb rehab photo flashbacks. Really. Do not pass this corner until you collect the $200. Celebs. They go through hell, well some of them do. Many of them. Looking through their eyes, they do. You can be the celeb of your life, going through your own rehab regimen. STOP calling him. STOP obsessing. STOP stalking. STOP looking for another addiction. STOP trying to blame yourself and take it all out on yourself. If anything it was all HIS fault. OK fine, it takes two to tango, it was 50-50. Settle with 44-56%. 56% was his fault. If you could’ve done something to save the relationship, so could he. To add to this comfort, it has been proven that nobody has a single sided happy relationship. It just doesn’t work, or it doesn’t last. So if he didn’t want it for whatever the reason, you could NOT have made it work. You tried all that time, and it didn't work for you either. So STOP. He chose something. You chose something. Keep moving now. You’ve come this far, the rest is pancakes. I never said pancakes are easy to make. But they’re amazing once they come out right!

The thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that there is SO much more to this life than what you think it was. I know that sounds like a cliche and is lame and blah blah blah. But it is the absolute truth. Imagine - how many others had chosen the type of life you’d chose in those past few months, years that you now think you were happiest? Not that many? How many of them who did NOT choose the life you chose were actually happy? Quite a few? That proves that happiness is not just found in one place, with one person. It can be found in so many different places. Big or small. With others or alone. But there is one very important step you do NEED to take. And that is to believe that you CAN be happy and that you DESERVE to be happy. Your life was not given to you so you can enjoy a few years out of it and then dwell on some guy who didn’t pick you over whatever else he picked. But you can choose happiness! Happiness!

Yes I know, as soon as you see or hear the word “happy” you think to yourself that it cannot be done without him. Hold that thought. And switch gears. Think of that one thing that you wanted to do that one time and he didn’t want you to do it, or he didn’t feel like it at that time, and instead you ended up doing something else, or doing nothing altogether. Maybe it was eating a burger, having a drink mid-day?  Going for a walk. Sky-diving? Taking that trip? That coffee shop. Anything. Do it! Now. Get out of that couch and go do it. Cook the food he hated most! Enjoy it. Call up that friend he never cared much about. Just do it. And enjoy. Every. Single. Bit of it! 

Act and live for yourself. With yourself. Accept that there is nobody else who is going to be there for you, more than you. There will be other acceptings to do in life, many many other. First is - you will never ever ever forget him. Never. You will come to terms with the new terms of your relationship. Whatever might be for you. You will accept that you are no longer together. You will. Trust me. It will take time. Trust me on that too. It will take a LOT of time. But you will. You will accept that you do not have the right to be his priority, nor will you be. You will accept that too. You will not share everything with him. You will accept that you will not DO everything with him. You will have others in your life. You will accept that too. You will accept opening up to others. And also accept that you are not perfect, and you will not always be in control of yourself, let alone everything else int he relationship. Sometimes you will just break down, in the most unlikely places. You will see somebody else in the same color shirt that he used to wear and you will breakdown in the middle of the store. Sometimes it’ll be something as stupid as seeing somebody his height, or smelling his cologne on somebody on the street or in the subway, or a voice that sounds like him, a word he used so much. Something so small. You will accept that you will carry that scar forever. Yes, it will be a scar. The important thing is not to let it keep oozing for long. Treating that scar isn’t always easy or evident how. Follow your heart, follow your feelings. Do not give in to the urges to contact or call him or look at old pictures. These are the three ways to guarantee setback in your path. 

Just remember how you felt when he broke you. How you didn’t deserve that treatment and that there is somebody out there who will treat you better. There is a relationship out there for you that will help you grow, heal and be you openly. You will share other precious moments with your new partner, knowing that it is not your first but hoping it might be your last. There is somebody out there who will want to spend time with you instead of other women. Somebody who will treat you like a lady, make you feel like one. Somebody who will earn your trust, give you trust, and trust you. But most importantly trust yourself, and trust time. 

Just dance!

Had the greatest dance lesson yesterday! I will be away for about 10 days if not more, since I will be traveling so had 2 lessons back to back. We focused on Cha-cha and Waltz to contrast and make sure my body is getting used to and can handle the sudden changes in rhythm and posture. The cha-cha is definitely most challenging for me, more so than the Samba or any of the smooth dances. The sharpness required in the movements is just something my body is not used to, no matter how much I say Im going to be sharp in a movement, there is some sort of "smooth" or curve that some joint or part of my body adds to the move. I am getting there though and yesterday we did have a sort of breakthrough where my legs actually DID look like I was doing the Cha-cha. Just remember it's not cha,cha, it's CHA! CHA! ;)
Then it was Waltz. Smooth, light, and painful. Yes, waltz can be painful if you are getting your body to learn to stand in the right posture. In more than anything else in my life, dancing truly requires -no, demands- the attention to detail in order to do it right. And for once, this is not something that I want to just do, but I want to perfect and be as truly great at it as I am capable of being. It's not just picking up your feet and placing them in the right place with the beat. It's how you lift, and how you place it down, what else happens at the same time with your knees, hips, back and neck, or not - that's what makes it look so natural - although it feels anything but. Once you get your body to realize that everything is under control, you just let it go and do it for itself. That requires confidence, self assurance that you know it and you got this! I am finding now that I do not have to worry about my feet and my knees so much, but still have to pay attention to my posture and poise, it's the first thing I drop when the going gets tough. ;) That will also become natural in time. I will be practicing daily while on my trip too, in the hotel, at the gym, wherever I find the chance. I just can't stop. The competition is in November! Oh goodness, I will have only 4 weeks left after I return! yikes! Still have to get that dress! Oh my, maybe I can get something from Italy, wouldn't that be just perfect?!

It's work today. Have a few things to update and finish up so that I wont be rushed tomorrow afternoon when I need to get to the airport. I still need to pack, and need to pick up a couple of things from the store, I can do it.
Time to walk my dog Dali first, then work, then packing. Another full day! I hope you enjoy your day too! :)

Keep Going!

It hasnt been a year. So that's a plus. I am getting better already! :)
Have to find the focus and the motivation to come on here every day. I am online every day, just not this, it will take a while for me to rewire my brain. But it will happen.
AND I am happy to report that my dancing, photography and travel continue on! The BEST part is absolutely the dancing, the joy I've found in myself with the dancing is very difficult to express in words. It's that flow you experience as you are staying in tune with every part of your body while connecting with another person. When time seems to stop, all sadness to drop off with every step and all else cease existence. You are uplifted and energized as you feel the rush in controlling parts of your body you never thought you could. When you look like a dancer. :) I am so very blessed to have found this channel in my life, and not just found, but be able to place it right in the middle of my life.

I have a competition in the middle of November that I have signed up for. I do not mind that I am spending from my savings for the first time ever in my life, and watching it dwindle down slowly. It actually makes me feel happy to be using my "savings" to actually "save" me. Without the dancing it would have been really hard to come back, rebound and find focus when I needed it most. But as Nietzsche always has pointed out there are so many parallels between dancing and life. The turns, keeping your posture and your head up in relation to the turns, holding your own weight even if you seem to be dancing with another, your poise - leading even when you're following, the confidence. One of the things I have been struggling with most is finding my poise. My amazing instructor always tells me that he cannot feel me when he's holding me. "Where are you?" I find this amusing, sad and revealing all at the same time. Where am I? What an awakening question. Who am I? At 37 I was never able to describe me without mentioning another person. Me. As if it was a taboo to be me. Interesting that I was brought up this way in the middle of the Western world in a "modern" family. Words are so strong. This will be another blogging topic later, but had to mention it.
So as I am finding myself and allowing others to "see" and "feel" my presence I get lost on the dance floor improving with each step and each turn. I hope this never ends.

Travel - I will be in Italy for 7 days starting Saturday! I can't wait. I was, have been, in a big huge emotional roller coaster for a while now. Had a dark bout a few weeks back, and on a whim just decided I want to get lost with my camera at hand again. To add an additional challenge to myself, I will be blogging my trip as I walk around Milan, Lake Como and Florence and surroundings. I will upload pics, keep a diary of the locals I meet, places I go and see. Local reflections of a tourist. It will be interesting, revealing yet in a more personal kind of way, and I will blog about it all right here. That should also help me with forming my new habit.

By the way if you haven't yet, please be sure to read the book "The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do In Life and Business" by Charles Duhigg. It is very informative and educational on our psychology of every day behavior, especially for those times that we feel like we are stuck in rut and don't know how to get out. While an easy and straight forward read, it gives you the knowledge you need to consciously lose the habit or breakaway from the rut. So I will be taking his example of breaking the cycle to create a new response in my routine: blogging. Good luck to all of us! :)